• Mr. Bessler is a

    designer &
    web dinosaur.

  • He was a

    web guy
    in the 1990s.

  • And then a

    print guy
    for a decade.

  • Now he's

    back in the
    web game.

  • He's way too excited that

    animated GIFs
    are big again.

  • How long must he wait for the return of the

    blink tag and
    marquee?

Ninety-nine-percent Flash-free since 1973.
Oh, crap.
Those two blue links should really be bigger and above the fold.
DAMMIT!
HOW DID I NOT CATCH THAT??!
I’m so screwed now.

WAIT.

You say they make a monitor that’s 600,000 pixels tall?

Does everyone have those these days?

Less than one percent of users, you say?

Oh.
Just one user in Lithuania.
Well, how do you know that?

Huh.

YEAH, I heard ya the first time.

What the hell does Google know about this crap anyway?
I was making web pages before Google was in diapers.

Listen kid,
Google ain’t the end-all-be-all and I still think Excite-powered searches were far superior at...

Excite.

You know, as in THIS SITE IS EXCITED, followed by a crooked-exclamation mark?
...ya know,
red button,
black X ,
text like a ransom note.

Nothing, huh.

No, I’m not making it up...it was a really big deal back in the...hey, what are you doing?

Don’t you DARE do a Google image search in-front of me.

No, I’m not kidding,
Put your damn phone away.

HEY!
You know what?

Ha! Actually, I can prove it.
I have a CompuServe GIF that Excite would give ya put on the page...it’s here somewhere...I just have to...
hmmm...now, where is that Zip Disk...oh, wait, maybe it’s on the SyQuest in the...
just a second...

I’ll be right back.



































































































OKAY. FOUND IT!


Now, I’M the one that’s excited!
Haven’t seen this stuff in ages. This will be fun!
I just need to find the right...well I know I have the cable for this thing somewhere...
what is that connection...
ok...
that looks like.....
it’s a.........
ah, crap.

It’s SCSI.

Yeah, I know you don’t know what SCSI is.

Nah, don’t even bother looking that one up.
Hey kiddo,
I’m getting kinda tired
and we’re almost to the footer now,
so just do your precious Google image search and be done with...Wow.
That quick, huh?

Well, let me see that thing, so l can make sure you found the right pict...Oh, so THIS is the iPhone...
Hey, Newsweek was right, this IS something...

I don't get it. Why can it only make calls "sometimes"?

Ah yes, AT&T. I'm familiar with their body of work.

Oh. Well, it's pretty, at least. MAN, it is HEAVIER than it looks...feels solid, like my old miniature Rollei cam...

Rollei.
You don't remember them?
German company. Made film cameras. Built 'em like tanks, you see, and...

Oh, geez.
You gotta be kidding me.
Film was this cellulose-based...ahhh, just forget it.

Okay,
where’s the image you found, now?
This is just a damn picture of some water droplets.


Okie-dokie...


I'm

sliding

the

glossy

arrow

to

the

right

and...




Yep. That’s the one.

Okay, what the hell was that?

Someone tell this geriatric that homepages should have actual content, not some imaginary dialog with a teenager. And look at all the empty space in that footer. Why isn't his latest Tweet somewhere down there? He's probably too busy changing the ribbon on his manual typewriter to care.